Thursday, June 8, 2017

June: The Official Month of Teacher Revenge

(Note: The Grape's school is so well run by awesome people and terrific volunteers that I've been really hurting for material. His teacher actually might be the best teacher on the planet. If NASA was still trying to send our most exceptional teachers into space, she'd be nominated for sure. Ditto for the specialists, principal, staff, and totally amazing moms who run our PTO. What follows is satire. So please don't report me for running afoul of Our School Values.)

One thing I've noticed, the school events requiring parent involvement come fast and furious at this time of year. So I've decided to dub June: The Official Month of Teacher (and School Administrator) Revenge.

Dear Parents: Great news! Your child has been cast as_________ in the end-of-year class play! The class play will be held the day after tomorrow, precisely one hour and fifteen minutes following regular drop-off, which should be SO PERFECT for all you working parents! Please work with your child to create a woodland creature costume. As our artist in residence has not yet given me the assigned parts (between us, she seems a bit overwhelmed), I cannot advise which children should prepare which woodland creature costumes.Thankfully, this is your problem and not mine. Thanks in advance! Sincerely, Ms. Teacher

Dear Parents: We need a volunteer to bake two dozen miniature, nut-free, gluten-free muffins for the class breakfast next week. Please make absolutely sure to bake the MINI muffins, and NOT the full-size muffins. We have an obesity epidemic in our country (so, so sad!) and we want to be EXTRA vigilant about those empty calories! So, 24 MINI nut-free muffins, please! Also, we need another parent volunteer to bring in 400 Dunkin' Donuts Munchkins. Maybe 500, to be safe! Also we might need a gallon of orange juice—I'll circle back on that later today, in a whole new thread! Thanks, all! Warmest regards, the Chairwoman of the PTA Breakfast Committee

Dear Parents: I need a volunteer to bring in two dozen bubble wands (the kind that come with soap), no duplicates, please. I need a second volunteer to bring in four gallons of bubble soap (the kind that comes with the plastic bubble wands). Please DO NOT sign up for both slots. We need to give every parent a chance to contribute! All best, Your Field Day Coordinator

Dear Parents: Can you believe it? Only one week to go until our school carnival! Please be advised that our principal—he's our PAL!—has once again volunteered to take a shift in the dunking booth (BRRR!). He respectfully requests parents to remember that the dunking booth is an activity for your children ONLY. If you could help out and spread the word that our principal does NOT dictate our school budget, that would be super-duper! In advance of the fair, please remind your cranky neighbors (you know who they are!) that the school fair dunking booth is  NOT an appropriate forum for members of the Concerned Senior Taxpayers of Pleasantville to vent their frustrations. Things got very heated (well, not for the principal) last year, and we hate to expose our kids to that kind of neighbor-on-neighbor strife. Thanks so much and see you at the fair! The Fair Committee

Hola Mamas y Papas! I'm your child's Spanish teacher and I just realized my emails have gone to  your spam folders all year, because apparently the Gmail spam filter doesn't like the upside down exclamation point I have been placing before  the "Hola!" in my messages! Please note that this exclamation point is the correct Spanish punctuation and I've taken the matter up with Google. While I await their apology, please find attached the nine Spanish class newsletters you missed over the 2016-17 academic year. Gracias! Senora Spanish Teacher P.S. Please have your kindergarten student bring in his or her favorite animal on Tuesday for a very special vocabulary activity!

VIA EMAIL [Timestamp 3:23 AM EST Tuesday] Dear parents: The Spanish teacher meant please send in A STUFFED ANIMAL. Please, for the love of God, DO NOT send your pets to school. We are NOT a doggie daycare, FFS!The second grade did this activity yesterday, and the unfortunate miscommunication caused some extremely tense moments involving a gerbil, a parakeet, and an exceedingly unruly Miniature Hypo-Allergenic Pug-a-cock-a-doodle, who is now in the custody of the Pleasantville Animal Control Officer. Thanks in advance for your cooperation. Best, Your Kindergarten Teaching Team

VIA EMAIL [Timestamp 6:01 AM EST Tuesday] Dear Parents: The Kindergarten Teaching Team meant to delete the expletives and ill-considered commentary about Doggie Daycare. The Kindergarten Teaching Team respects you and regrets this lapse in their observance of OUR SCHOOL VALUES. Please remember, pets are not allowed on school grounds during school hours, per Pleasantville Town Ordinance 54(b)(18). Thanks in advance, Your Principal

Dear Parents: Your child has been assigned to our rainbow tie-dyed relay team! Please send in a colorful tie-dye T-shirt for Friday. Please, no drug references or dancing bears! Some parents have expressed concerns that tie-dye could stir depravity in our youth, but I think that's nonsense, and I'm frankly out of crowd-pleasing colors. Also the forecast calls for a low of 98 degrees in the shade, so we scrapped the black and navy teams, because heaven forbid we reschedule. I cannot believe I need to write a memo justifying what should be my executive decision on T-shirt colors, but here it is. Thanks so much, Your Field Day Coordinator (Who is retiring next week, so you can shove your OUR SCHOOL VALUES complaints where the sun don't shine! HAHA! Joking! Sorry. Not sorry.)

Dear Parents: Please return all library books by Thursday, or your child will not be able to buy milk during the upcoming 2017-2018 school year. No, we are not joking. We regret this draconian measure, but do you have any idea how much money we lose on stolen books? Thanks for your cooperation, Your Library Team

Dear Parents: We regret to inform you that Butterfly Day is cancelled, because we didn't realize we had to feed the butterflies after they emerged, so they all died a slow death of starvation. Please take this opportunity to have a difficult discussion with your rising kindergarten student about the circle of life. Warm wishes for a great summer, Your Pre-K Team