tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8759813497004409554.post6946604441931583172..comments2023-03-28T12:41:45.894-04:00Comments on The Little Grape: Doing it all, to try to have it all. And struggling.Mari Passanantihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06899493114555183048noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8759813497004409554.post-36889521042419629942011-06-30T15:02:05.052-04:002011-06-30T15:02:05.052-04:00Mapelba, Thanks for reading. I agree with your se...Mapelba, Thanks for reading. I agree with your sentiment that children benefit from parents who keep their own dreams alive... And I'm thankful every day to have the luxury to divide my time between my child and my dream. Most working moms don't have that.<br /><br />And I am so sorry about your mom. How awful.Mari Passanantihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06899493114555183048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8759813497004409554.post-52402900371478597542011-06-29T22:45:32.704-04:002011-06-29T22:45:32.704-04:00Oh, I know this struggle. It is madness. I try t...Oh, I know this struggle. It is madness. I try to accept it. I try to remember that no parent is perfect. Will my son be damaged because I stole time to write? I hope he'll remember me as someone who kept her dream alive AND took care of him. Have there been times I've sat by his bed typing? Yes. <br /><br />My mother made a mess of herself by giving up her art to be a full-time wife and mom. It took time in a mental institution and electric shock for her to sort that out. So. I keep writing and mothering hoping it will keep the madness at bay. <br /><br />I read a quote recently, "A woman with dreams always has trouble." or something like that, and thought--well, that's the ever-loving truth. <br /><br />Love the title of your novel, by the way. Keep writing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8759813497004409554.post-49080990199448161942011-06-29T09:33:38.782-04:002011-06-29T09:33:38.782-04:00Got it: no guilt. Thanks! Though as a practical ...Got it: no guilt. Thanks! Though as a practical matter, being fully present is still essential for me (or whoever is watching my kid), since he is pushing two and permanently set to self-destruct mode. I know they get more inclined to self preserve as time goes by (of course I understand that instinct dulls again during the teen years), but for now, multitasking is out.Mari Passanantihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06899493114555183048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8759813497004409554.post-933244125594828212011-06-28T10:43:41.365-04:002011-06-28T10:43:41.365-04:00PS - see also the interview on my blog with Anne G...PS - see also the interview on my blog with Anne G. Brown, mother of 3, author of YA series, and full-time lawyer! http://veronicas-nap.com/backstory/women-creating-success-anne-g-brown/Sharon Biallyhttp://www.veronicas-nap.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8759813497004409554.post-79600919591689514932011-06-28T10:37:19.809-04:002011-06-28T10:37:19.809-04:00Oh, Mari. First, the golden rule of thumb that ha...Oh, Mari. First, the golden rule of thumb that has served me very well through my 12 years of motherhood (and counting): NO GUILT. The truth is, we American moms lucky enough to have such problems plague ourselves with the misconception that we're supposed to be *fully present round the clock (or almost)* for our kids. Huh? How many generations of parents before ours actually were? (Answer: none). We make way too big of a deal of not being "fully present and engaged" enough with our kids. Come over to my house if you want proof that it has little or no impact on their happiness or self-confidence. And if you're still not convinced, read Perfect Madness by Judith Warner, or the Time mag cover article a year or so ago about Helicopter Parenting.<br /><br />As for your question about "how do professionals do it?" I'm one of them. And again, the trick is: no guilt. If you feel guilty, the kids feel it and get anxious and angry. If you need day care, get day care. I did. It worked out just fine. If you need after-school care, get that, too. And if you're working at home as I do and need to tell them you're not available to talk yet when they come home from school, do it. Be consistent and firm yet loving, and always come through on your promise to give them your attention at a specified time. They quickly learn the importance of adults having other priorities.<br /><br />And it's ok to hop off a conference call for a "family emergency." I've done it, and my boss, a work-at-home dad, does it too. It's also ok to call in a sitter so you can throw together a last-minute, unforeseen business trip -- which actually can be as therapeutic and good for your mood and patience with your kids as a trip to the spa! Eventually learn how to have a silent conversation about work constantly going in your head (because it IS hard to disconnect) as your kids rattle on about Harry Potter or how they hung upside down on a set of monkey bars. As long as you can sit down and have a meaningful, totally focused convo about the importance things -- mood swings, fears and ambitions, troubles with friends -- they hardly notice your mind's in two places when they're rattling on like that.<br /><br />Finally - especially as they get older, the sense of independence and self-reliance they get from having parents who can't always give their full attention this serves them well.Sharon Biallyhttp://www.veronicas-nap.comnoreply@blogger.com